Sad of not being understood.....

Things are ironic at times... i never thought i could be so "good" at drinking. i never like to drink and never even drank b4 this..i never like that taste u know.. but that day i was really down, so just thought of giving myself a try.. who knew i wasn't drunk at all even i finished about 2 glasses of beer.. i was shocked also myself. Some even thought im a good drinker after that.. it's just so ironic... u dont know how much i dislike it...... i was insane that time, i was breaking down, i didnt even treasure myself and my life, i didnt even want to live!!! i was just so lost..... i thought i would be happier if i tried to change and tried to be bad (sick of being good gal).. but it just didnt seem to work!!!!!!!

And...people just like to gossip...make small things a big deal... no sense of respect...n everything. All the things just make me feel that this is a cruel and realistic world... everything is so confusing to me... sometimes i just dunno what to do!
it's ok...even if nobody understands me, i still know my stand and i never harm anyone...
I truly appreciate those who appreciate me for who I am…..!

Aha… I think im crapping again la.. just feel like getting something out of my chest actually!!!!! Feel kinda pissed off and upset coz of some things… Sigh…. Why things never go my way? I’ve been struggling to change my life already… I just wanna be like a normal girl only…a confident and happy girl… just a little wish……..

On the edge of breaking down....

Again...Im sorry...i've tried hard to be positive but i just can't do it... it's getting serious these days... i feel really suffocated sometimes and tears are my company almost every day... i just cant help but breaking down.... these days i've been thinking what are the reasons for me to live in this world... and i cant find a single reason for me to carry on this life... i really feel like dying at times....since i've been so suffering and unhappy living like this, why do i still have to carry on this life....?

I know whoever reading this blog still are very concerned of me... but im sorry.. im too useless...im too weak... im not strong enough to live like this.....im reli reli tired already.....nowadays i only know how to shed my tears but dunno how to change my life and be happy again.... it's just too hard for me to do it alone, i feel so numb..... Gosh........these days i feel so hard to breathe or do anything at all.... it's like the end of the world to me.. i cant see my future...i can only see darkness right now.......... i seriously hate this!!!!!!!!!! i seriously hate the way i am right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really really don't know what I should do now........ can anybody tell me??? I need someone to come save me .... I dont wanna become like this....i just wanna be a normal girl.... living a normal life.... hanging out and chit-chatting with friends and laughing from the bottom of heart.... like i used to........

I'm soo tied down with my life i guess.... i've lost so much things and i cant even find them back now..... it's really really frustrating....

FRIENDS.... I NEED YOU.....I REALLY REALLY NEED YOU TO BE BY MY SIDE....i dun wanna be alone....i need your support to help me carry on this life.... it's just such a fragile and vulnerable period for me, it's not that i've become so ignorant.. being silent doesn't mean that i don't care...i do....i still do............

Just....no matter how i've changed, PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME.......k? I'm really so scared of losing u all.....really............

I don't deserve to be happy?

Happy moment never lasts long... suddenly feel so down again today... plus was not reli feeling well ...coz of stomachache and my legs very pain.... dunno why, probably coz of walking too much. I didnt even feel like I had the energy to walk back home after work .. im sick and tired of walking like this every day.. gosh u wouldnt know how hard it feels especially when u r already so tired..

Everytime when im walking on the road, i feel reli scared to even look at those cars and the people inside coz i just feel like they are looking at me with that kind of pity expression in their eyes which tell me that they are thinking how pathetic i am! or they might look down on this girl who walks all the time and cant even afford to drive a car!!!! im just so so so scared of these kind of feelings.....! i just hate myself that i dont even have the courage to start to do something bout it.. i mean like buying a car and learn how to drive.... how can i do it all BY MYSELF????NO!!! i never can!!!! I feel so discouraged and i will never dare to do anything by myself... you dont know how clumsy and careless i am... Maybe i have to admit that im too useless...... and im such a coward......

Sometimes i just feel like there's nothing in this world for me to feel happy and makes me feel like it’s worthwhile for me to live in this world… I just cant find that STRENGTH and ENERGY to carry on….

Although I still got many friends to care bout me, I still feel my world is very empty and dark… coz they provide me moral support.. thru sms or msges on facebook.. yeah.. it does make me happy and warmed…but its just temporary… I have to always be all by myself… in EVERYTHING… and whenever im alone, I just cant help but start to think a lot … I cant afford to live like this anymore… it’s really killing me…

Haih……why my life is sooo hard compared to other gals? Why I don’t deserve a good life and also people who will always be there for me?

It's just another day...moody day...

Not happy again. . reli feel so bored.. tried to sleep early but was awaken by someone again.. then cant fall asleep already. haiz.... reli hate to stay awake which will make me think alot of things... how i wish i could sleep as much as possible every day.. too bad i always have sleeping problem... =( wake up again and will think back of all the problems.. all the things that make me sad... feel so unsure bout this life... my direction.. friends... love... and all.. everything just fell apart.. now i seriously believe that nothing lasts forever... even close friends r not close anymore... dislike each other.. maybe.. sometimes just feel like i dun even know the one i used to care bout anymore.. no, maybe i never know her.. how sad it is to become strangers now... Does true friendship really exist in this world? or people are just using each other..?im reli uncertain bout this.. sigh............

Im just really moody.. feel so alone in this world.. no true friends.. no special one to love me.. i just dunno what's wrong with me...... someone just told me today that i have to take initiative to get more friends.. or maybe more guy friends.. my world is too too small... i dont reli have many friends in KL... but i just cant do it.. im such a coward... i never dare to talk to the ones i have feelings for.. or even guys... i become more and more introverted day by day.. the past few days were still ok for me.. sometimes i feel like i have friends to care about me,which make me feel so warmed.. but sometimes i feel soo alone when im reli alone... i tend to think alot that time...

Sometimes i reli miss the life back in Genting.. atleast i got to know a few of very very good frens there.. and our frenship lasts until now even thou we hardly even meet.. they still care bout me.. i reli feel grateful and touched.. but i just feel sad coz we cant always hang out and chat often. .

Working life in KL sucks... i just hate it... the long working hours...the shift ( i seriously hate to get up sooo early, i'd rather work evening or night shift..).. the long distance to the company.. have to walk such a long distance every day... which sometimes i feel reli reli tired and cant take it anymore.. and this reli spoilts my mood.... and sometimes still have to walk alone at nite.. i reli hate that and im scared to walk alone in the dark... not many ppl can understand how it feels like.. I reli reli reli wanna enjoy life just like other youngsters too........ im still young but y do i live a life like old woman now...........!! how ironic.... i wanna go hang out with friends.. i wanna go yamcha with friends.. i wanna go for movies with friends... altho single but we can still enjoy our lives, rite?? but y everythin just seems so hard to me???????????????

Lastime i tot of leaving this place, leaving the place i work, leaving everythin...and start all over again.. but i dunno if things will be better after that.. and i just feel so discouraged to handle all the things by myself.. nobody is there for me.. so i gave up..... Im reli reli numb now.. i dunno what i should do to make my life better... its always easier said than done... i always try to pretend to be happy but when only i can reli smile from the bottom of my heart?

Im so tired......