Genting... Im back to u again ...

Just went to Genting, my old home to 'gamble' with my friend yesterday.. First time being a gambler after so many years working there.. it feels so strange. lol.. i really miss it there... Actually I just wanted to experience how it feels like to be a gambler instead of being a dealer, giving out money to customers. Now, its vice versa. im the customer already. wahaha.... It feels so exciting to experience myself the feels of win and lose this time. Last time i could only deal the cards and watch them win the money. haha... it's my turn now! I wanna get into it... haha..

I didn't dare to bet at the beginning coz most of the staffs also recognized me there..i felt scared at the first place, after sometime only i convinced myself to put my bet on the Bacarrat table. haha.. it recalled me of the good old times when I sat at the Bacarrat tables being a dealer, now im standing here being a customer already..

It feels so exciting to be back to my OLD HOME... the place where I spent 6 years with it...!!! Genting was my 2nd home.. I used to go there to work part time almost every week until last year... I seriously missed it there... All the sweet and bitter memories of mine also happened there.. I really cant let go until now... i used to love Genting so much. It was the place where I met some people who i can NEVER FORGET in my life...

It's all different when I decided to end up my working life and settle down in KL. All the happy moments are gone. Now no more part time dealer life in Genting.. no more meeting so many people from different backgrounds every day. No more watching handsome guys every day. lol. Arghh... so boring..... I really "ng seh dak" Genting!!! Too bad there's no future working in Genting, or else i would have chosen to live my life there already instead of this boring place..

I really miss my friends who i met in Genting.. I wish u know how much i miss u guys.... i wish things would get back to what it used to be.... I wish I still can hang out with u guys like we used to do that in Genting last time.............

Living in a world that no one knows and no one cares..

Really sick of stayin home and sitting in front of my PC all the time.. been laying on my bed, with my laptop on ALL DAY LONG.. but i dunno what is it for? You think i like to FB? NO!!!! I actually HATE it!!!! it's just that i got nothing better to do..... I got nobody to talk to...............Nobody is here listening to me…………..I need to talk to HUMAN.... NOT MY COMPUTER!!!!!!!! I just need to shout.... I just need a shoulder.... I just need someone who's willing to listen to me.... someone who will be there for me always... is it that hard??
at work and at home also face my computer... honestly i get really dizzy and uncomfortable and mentally ill coz i've been doing this for long time.. it's really really unhealthy and it's killing me soon!!!!! 

But i got no choice... computer is my only companion in this house when im alone..  going out? friends? colleagues? they all have their own activities with their friends or GFs/BFs.... who the hell will give a damn bout me - troublesome and pathetic gal who always whine bout the same problem over and over again? People really get sick of me!!!!! Look, i don't want it okay... I'm sick of looking at myself this way too...!!!!!!

You wouldn’t undersand… how miserable I feel… im just such an unlucky girl huh…

People think im a boring person, always look sad, seldom smile on the face.. but they don't understand.... I really really don't want it... i just dunno y...life,stress,all the pain that I've got has turned me this way... i can hardly be happy again....What should I do to stop being sad and depressed????

I feel really suffer... I feel so alone... I feel really scared... i'm so scared that people will get sick of me and leave me one by one... In the end i'll be all by myself.. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DON'T WANT THIS TO HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'M REALLY SO SCARED OF BEING ABANDONED AND LEFT OUT!!!!!!!! I'M REALLY FREAKING SCARED OF BEING ALL ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M GOING CRAZY SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pls don't treat me like a freak or mentally ill person or watever..... I really need your support..............................................

depression..... stress........ phobia.....

I've been so depressed lately... really unhappy.. just feel like things never go my way.. feel soooo tired with my job... i seriously HATE it....im getting tired and sick of it... it's just not MY THING... and it's more like a man's job.... maybe this job is not suitable for me... really really wish to leave now and look for other jobs... wat job is suitable for me? why i always have to stay back till so late and no time for yamcha with frens or meet up with my buddies?? i just feel so envy when i see other gals who can leave office so early and can have their own happy hour after work.. why do i still hav to be haunted by my boss and my works even after work???even when i sleep???!!! CAN YOU PLS STOP HAUNTING ME??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!! i got phobia already........

I already feel sooo loathed of U..........Can u try to put urself into my shoes... for once???? Stop being sooo self-centered and egoistic..........
I just work to live... i dont "live to work" u workaholic!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Im still so young why do u have to damage me????????????????? Cant i have my life back???? THIS IS SOOOOOO UNFAIR TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Pls stop comparing me with others!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Pls stop being so unreasonable!!!!!!!

U have no idea how much pressure u put on me and i have not been happy lately coz of the stress!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And dun judge me if u dun even understand me............ You cant hurt me like this....................

Living a Cinderella kind of life.....

Home alone... really so bored... really feel like going out now.. but no one take me out of this place.. feeling so lonely...I really have no idea what's wrong with me... why do I always have to hide in this prison? always wait for miracles to come? wait for visitors to visit this old prisoner? LOL.... argh... Im such a pathetic person! LOL...

A few days ago a person told me that no guys will like me coz im always sad.. And I always write sad stuff on Facebook and my Blogs. What? Is it wrong to express my feelings thru here? U think it's better 4 me to keep everything to myself huh? Can't i spit it out coz I reli feel breathless as ive been keeping my feelings for so long?? I really can't take it and it drives me insane!!!  What do u think i should do? continue to pretend to be happy even if im not? Smile even if i feel like crying? Do u really think that i wanna be sad all the time???? U think i dun wanna be a normal and happy gal just like others?! u think i enjoy being sad??!!! Im just sooo lack of a thing called LOVE........... who even cares bout my feelings??? I know what i need .... i can recover... but who can save me???????

Really feel so suffocated at times... why there's nothing which can make me happy now...? Why cant i laugh anymore when everyone is laughing?.....

I'm really sad coz no one can really understand me.. people wanna be friend with happy people only.. some friends told me that... nobody wants to listen to ur sad stories.. they just wanna listen to happy stuff.. is it true? So i pretend.. pretend.. and pretend.. pretend to be happy... till i cant take it .. i'll cry alone...

I cant let people see how fragile i am... how much i need people to care bout me... I'm really so scared that once i reveal the inner me to people, they will leave me... nobody will want to be friends with me, no guys will even like this girl.. I'm just a forsaken loner..

I really really dunno what to do now... really really wish i don't have to pretend anymore and can be happy some day... for real one... i hate pretending...  =(

Can you guys give me some advice??? Please tell me what to do... I'm really lost already...  I need a savor to save and cure me... get me back to normal.... I'm waiting....waiting for the time that i can reli smile and laugh from my heart and happy every day... no more emo days.........

Happy Birthday.....

My birthday is just over... although it was nothing much, i still feel grateful coz i got u all to keep me company tonite... reli thank you for that.. appreciate all the wishes and blessings...
Honestly I didn't expect much for my birthday.. or i should say i never dare to expect too much after getting let down for so many years.. maybe its very common that the birthday person will get alot of presents n stuffs on her/his birthday... but i never do... i never receive alot of presents on my birthday.. and this year even worse... no present till now.. honestly i reli do hope i can get some presents on my birthday.. atleast they can cheer me up .. well, maybe its too much to ask for....
I've never had that kind of feelings (when gettting presents and surprises) for ages... just kinda disappointed... i know i should not expect anything from people but i just reli wish there's little something to cheer me up.. lol... I'm reli so silly huh?

And I feel a bit disappointed also coz some of my friends and old friends didnt wish on my birthday.. i think they have forgotten since we r all busy with our own lives now...of course i wont blame them (it's not their fault anyway...), im just sad.... why cant i celebrate my birthday with my whole bunch of buddies or maybe special someone every year... with presents, and cakes.. u know..but..... things never work out as i thought.... And.. will my wish come true after i make one..? I never believe in that since many years ago coz it never happened on me..!!!

Why i didnt feel excited at all on my birthday?... it means alot to most of the people, doesnt it???? Why i never deserve to be the queen on my birthday.. only one day... i wanna feel like im special... got people to make me feel special and treasured....
Hmm... maybe im just a nobody la...maybe its my problem... im so insatiable? But i don't think so... hmm..maybe it's not my time... I hope it won't be the same next year.. it will be different... better this will be my last single birthday! LOL...
hah...im crazy....thinking too much...!!!!!

Sad of not being understood.....

Things are ironic at times... i never thought i could be so "good" at drinking. i never like to drink and never even drank b4 this..i never like that taste u know.. but that day i was really down, so just thought of giving myself a try.. who knew i wasn't drunk at all even i finished about 2 glasses of beer.. i was shocked also myself. Some even thought im a good drinker after that.. it's just so ironic... u dont know how much i dislike it...... i was insane that time, i was breaking down, i didnt even treasure myself and my life, i didnt even want to live!!! i was just so lost..... i thought i would be happier if i tried to change and tried to be bad (sick of being good gal).. but it just didnt seem to work!!!!!!!

And...people just like to gossip...make small things a big deal... no sense of respect...n everything. All the things just make me feel that this is a cruel and realistic world... everything is so confusing to me... sometimes i just dunno what to do!
it's ok...even if nobody understands me, i still know my stand and i never harm anyone...
I truly appreciate those who appreciate me for who I am…..!

Aha… I think im crapping again la.. just feel like getting something out of my chest actually!!!!! Feel kinda pissed off and upset coz of some things… Sigh…. Why things never go my way? I’ve been struggling to change my life already… I just wanna be like a normal girl only…a confident and happy girl… just a little wish……..

On the edge of breaking down....

Again...Im sorry...i've tried hard to be positive but i just can't do it... it's getting serious these days... i feel really suffocated sometimes and tears are my company almost every day... i just cant help but breaking down.... these days i've been thinking what are the reasons for me to live in this world... and i cant find a single reason for me to carry on this life... i really feel like dying at times....since i've been so suffering and unhappy living like this, why do i still have to carry on this life....?

I know whoever reading this blog still are very concerned of me... but im sorry.. im too useless...im too weak... im not strong enough to live like this.....im reli reli tired already.....nowadays i only know how to shed my tears but dunno how to change my life and be happy again.... it's just too hard for me to do it alone, i feel so numb..... Gosh........these days i feel so hard to breathe or do anything at all.... it's like the end of the world to me.. i cant see my future...i can only see darkness right now.......... i seriously hate this!!!!!!!!!! i seriously hate the way i am right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really really don't know what I should do now........ can anybody tell me??? I need someone to come save me .... I dont wanna become like this....i just wanna be a normal girl.... living a normal life.... hanging out and chit-chatting with friends and laughing from the bottom of heart.... like i used to........

I'm soo tied down with my life i guess.... i've lost so much things and i cant even find them back now..... it's really really frustrating....

FRIENDS.... I NEED YOU.....I REALLY REALLY NEED YOU TO BE BY MY SIDE....i dun wanna be alone....i need your support to help me carry on this life.... it's just such a fragile and vulnerable period for me, it's not that i've become so ignorant.. being silent doesn't mean that i don't care...i do....i still do............

Just....no matter how i've changed, PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME.......k? I'm really so scared of losing u all.....really............

I don't deserve to be happy?

Happy moment never lasts long... suddenly feel so down again today... plus was not reli feeling well ...coz of stomachache and my legs very pain.... dunno why, probably coz of walking too much. I didnt even feel like I had the energy to walk back home after work .. im sick and tired of walking like this every day.. gosh u wouldnt know how hard it feels especially when u r already so tired..

Everytime when im walking on the road, i feel reli scared to even look at those cars and the people inside coz i just feel like they are looking at me with that kind of pity expression in their eyes which tell me that they are thinking how pathetic i am! or they might look down on this girl who walks all the time and cant even afford to drive a car!!!! im just so so so scared of these kind of feelings.....! i just hate myself that i dont even have the courage to start to do something bout it.. i mean like buying a car and learn how to drive.... how can i do it all BY MYSELF????NO!!! i never can!!!! I feel so discouraged and i will never dare to do anything by myself... you dont know how clumsy and careless i am... Maybe i have to admit that im too useless...... and im such a coward......

Sometimes i just feel like there's nothing in this world for me to feel happy and makes me feel like it’s worthwhile for me to live in this world… I just cant find that STRENGTH and ENERGY to carry on….

Although I still got many friends to care bout me, I still feel my world is very empty and dark… coz they provide me moral support.. thru sms or msges on facebook.. yeah.. it does make me happy and warmed…but its just temporary… I have to always be all by myself… in EVERYTHING… and whenever im alone, I just cant help but start to think a lot … I cant afford to live like this anymore… it’s really killing me…

Haih……why my life is sooo hard compared to other gals? Why I don’t deserve a good life and also people who will always be there for me?

It's just another day...moody day...

Not happy again. . reli feel so bored.. tried to sleep early but was awaken by someone again.. then cant fall asleep already. haiz.... reli hate to stay awake which will make me think alot of things... how i wish i could sleep as much as possible every day.. too bad i always have sleeping problem... =( wake up again and will think back of all the problems.. all the things that make me sad... feel so unsure bout this life... my direction.. friends... love... and all.. everything just fell apart.. now i seriously believe that nothing lasts forever... even close friends r not close anymore... dislike each other.. maybe.. sometimes just feel like i dun even know the one i used to care bout anymore.. no, maybe i never know her.. how sad it is to become strangers now... Does true friendship really exist in this world? or people are just using each other..?im reli uncertain bout this.. sigh............

Im just really moody.. feel so alone in this world.. no true friends.. no special one to love me.. i just dunno what's wrong with me...... someone just told me today that i have to take initiative to get more friends.. or maybe more guy friends.. my world is too too small... i dont reli have many friends in KL... but i just cant do it.. im such a coward... i never dare to talk to the ones i have feelings for.. or even guys... i become more and more introverted day by day.. the past few days were still ok for me.. sometimes i feel like i have friends to care about me,which make me feel so warmed.. but sometimes i feel soo alone when im reli alone... i tend to think alot that time...

Sometimes i reli miss the life back in Genting.. atleast i got to know a few of very very good frens there.. and our frenship lasts until now even thou we hardly even meet.. they still care bout me.. i reli feel grateful and touched.. but i just feel sad coz we cant always hang out and chat often. .

Working life in KL sucks... i just hate it... the long working hours...the shift ( i seriously hate to get up sooo early, i'd rather work evening or night shift..).. the long distance to the company.. have to walk such a long distance every day... which sometimes i feel reli reli tired and cant take it anymore.. and this reli spoilts my mood.... and sometimes still have to walk alone at nite.. i reli hate that and im scared to walk alone in the dark... not many ppl can understand how it feels like.. I reli reli reli wanna enjoy life just like other youngsters too........ im still young but y do i live a life like old woman now...........!! how ironic.... i wanna go hang out with friends.. i wanna go yamcha with friends.. i wanna go for movies with friends... altho single but we can still enjoy our lives, rite?? but y everythin just seems so hard to me???????????????

Lastime i tot of leaving this place, leaving the place i work, leaving everythin...and start all over again.. but i dunno if things will be better after that.. and i just feel so discouraged to handle all the things by myself.. nobody is there for me.. so i gave up..... Im reli reli numb now.. i dunno what i should do to make my life better... its always easier said than done... i always try to pretend to be happy but when only i can reli smile from the bottom of my heart?

Im so tired......

start to doubt bout myself..

feeling so down again.... i dun know y...real bad mood... feel myself so ugly n fat lately somemore! all these made me feel so not confident bout myself and everyhing... i hate the way i look now seriously! feel like hiding somewhere and nobody can c me.....!

the quizzes on facebook are right....im meant to be all by myself huh....?nobody is gonna like me.....! i will be all alone........ y??? coz im ugly?????y u wanna treat me like this?? i never hurt anyone and treat ppl nice... but this is what i get........argggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate this life............! i wanna leave this place that doesn't belong to me as soon as possible!!!!!!!!!